I am on my second marriage.. GASP…. I know, I know. A woman strongly committed to the LDS faith and I have been divorced. Okay, now that bombshell is out of the way I want to explain a few things I have learned, a few things I have done, and I few things I plan to do.
First, things I have learned. It is okay to get divorced. If your circumstances are toxic, if you are a victim of abuse, etc. I personally feel that if you just aren’t seeing eye to eye, or the flame is dwindling, then you should take proper courses of action ie. counseling, prayer, advice from parents, etc. ALMOST every marriage is worth saving, however in the instance of abuse in any form, I PERSONALLY feel that you should run. Now being of the LDS faith I also firmly believe in prayer, and listening to the Holy Ghost for guidance. If you feel that divorce is right, its right. If you feel divorce isn’t an option yet, its not an option.
Another thing I have learned. If your spouse is/has making/been making stupid, poor, dangerous, unhealthy, vile, dumb choices. That is NOT your fault. Go back and re-read that. Okay, moving on, you are in charge of YOUR OWN choices. Your spouse is in charge of THEIR OWN choices. Hopefully you have figured out how to work together, communicate choices and discussing issues and problems. Hopefully divorces hasn’t plagued your life in such a way that bitterness and resentment is hovering in a storm cloud above you. In the event that your spouse has chosen to follow a different lifestyle, different faith, or different path in life, their choices are THEIR OWN. Now sure, you probably did or said things that you shouldn’t. We are all human, entitled to mistakes because we have an ever loving, caring God who helps us and forgives us. Maybe you are the spouse making the different decisions and you are trying to put blame on your spouse for driving you to this decision. #newsflash your choices are yours and theirs are theirs. Have I made my self clear on the matter? Cool. Moving on.
I have also learned that it is super common to be judged, criticized, shamed, belittled, scoffed at and more when people learn that you are divorced. Christ teaches us in Luke 6:37 “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged…” Stellar idea right?? Wishful thinking, maybe. The fact that we are all imperfect and are subject to temptation means that people are going to judge, criticize, shame, belittle, scoff, point and blame you for your choices. It is a fact of life. Now in the case of divorce (my case specifically) your wounds are huge. Your life changed. Your forever is cancelled until further notice. You made sacred GINORMOUS promises to your Heavenly Father, your spouse and yourself. All those things are changing right? Well, not exactly. In my case my spouse had chosen to break his end of the deal with The Lord and myself. Why would The Lord punish me for my spouses choices? He wouldn’t. That’s one of the divine qualities of The Lord. He knows the beginning from the end, He is ALL knowing. He knows the intents of your heart. He knew how hard I fought, how much I cried, how often I was sitting with glossed over eyes staring at a wall. He knew what I was thinking as I learned more and more things about my spouse, He knew how broken I was. I was still going to receive the blessings that come from the sealing, I wasn’t being kicked to the Heavenly Curb, my forever wasn’t and isn’t being cancelled!!! I KNOW I am always loved and safe with my Father in Heaven. However, I didn’t feel that way with strangers, some neighbors, some family members, friends, etc. The judgement struggle is R.E.A.L folks. I guess what I am saying with all this rambling, be kind, be understanding, be trusting, and gentle. If someone tells you they are getting divorced don’t ask why, just offer a hug and some small words of gentle encouragement and then be on your way. Pray for that person. They are walking through what feel like the very pits of hell. They don’t see a light or tunnel or light at the end of the tunnel. They will, but they may not be to that point yet. Try to understand that although you may have known someone who was divorced, EACH & EVERY situation is so uniquely different. Just be kind and loving.
So those are some things I have learned, and now I am going to tell you some things I have done. I am hoping that all of this can help you understand what some people go through and how long of a process it is to fully recover.
I have been in counseling for 2.5 years, 29 months, 870 days, 20,880 hours. Now granted, every day or waking minute has been me sitting on a couch with my wonderful counselor. At first I went weekly, with texts exchanged with my counselor when I was really struggling (which was daily). Then I went to every other week, still I would text her when I was struggling. Then I went to every two weeks, again texting as needed. Then monthly, with texts as needed. Now I go with my WONDERFUL husband as we learn to adjust to a second marriage for each of us. We are almost done with that, however I would definitely say that it is still considered post divorce healing for each of us. We are doing it together and it is the best thing ever!
I moved home with my family. I knew that I had a SAFE, JUDGEMENT FREE zone there. I was blessed with unlimited support and love. I knew that I could talk to my Father, Mother, Sisters, Grandma literally any time I needed it. Some told me that I was hiding from the issues by moving back home. Um, false. I used that opportunity to finish school, work, pay off debts accrued from divorce and to rebuild my self. People can think what they want, but that is what I KNOW I needed.
I cried, sobbed, sat in darkness, stared out the window, watched TV, mindlessly browsed social media, sat dazed through church, cried, cried more, then some more. I doubted my decision, I thought about taking him back. I thought I might be running from a trial that I should have stuck to. I let satan in to dump his slew of guilt trips. I cried more. I felt like I was laying on my face. I felt like D&C 121 .
Well, going along with D&C 121;
-There isn’t a pavilion that covers the Lord. He is always there.
-The Lords hand is extended, He is using his eyes to carefully watch over us and his ear IS listening. Its hard on Him to watch you struggle, but He knows its what is BEST for you!
-His bowels are chuck full of compassion for each and every person who has and will ever walk this earth and all those who left after the war in Heaven.
-We are blessed with loving friends and families who have been given to us as a support.
I encourage you to go read that whole chapter.
I am inserting an opinion here: One should NEVER enter into a marriage claiming its a “starter marriage”. Marriage is ORDAINED of God. Ordained means (according to Webster Online Dictionary) “to officially establish or order (something)”. That is a big, large, huge, massive, enormous, gigantic, gargantuan deal. To go into something knowing it wont last is willfully wasting ones time and teasing another’s emotions. How horribly inconsiderate, selfish and rude. Divorce shouldn’t be a thought that enters ones mind as a “way out” if they decide that they don’t want to continue down the path of life with their spouse. I will stop here, but know I have lots more to say on the topic. Perhaps a post for a different day.
Now on to what I plan to do. I plan to voice my opinions of Divorce. I want to help others walking through this trial. I want people to know that Divorce may not be the answer. I want people to know that the Lord is okay with Divorce in certain circumstances. I want others to support their loved ones and not judge them harshly for something they may not understand. I want people to understand that if they choose divorce, there is our loving Heavenly Father who still fully loves them and still thinks the world of them. There is a Savior who infinitely understands perfectly how you, your friend or family member feels. I plan to share goodness.